Silence did really ran away from my house, but the healing from those 5 days of silence is still in effect. But again,a new problem came in to the house that tries to ruin my holiday.
These days, I have been asked to do works. Well I don't mind that of course since the works are small, like carrying shipping items from car into the house and open the house gate.
The thing that makes me not relax is that, I'm the only one of of the 3 brothers, that always got asked to do things and my brothers will just either help or not. Basically I'm the only one that is being called to do things while others can sit back and relax.
That problem doesn't actually affect me much, since out of the 3 brothers,I know I'm the worst.
The main problem now is that, BLAMES are always put to me. What ever it is, I'll be the first to get blame. Doesn't happen once or twice, but all the time. I always get the scolding.
I got scolded yesterday for being the person who broke my little brother's toy gun, but in the end it was actually my brother who bought the item that's already broken. Problem solved of course, but still, the first person to get blamed is me, when I tried to help my little brother refill water into the toy.
Today I got blamed for small thing that I didn't do in the morning. At that time I reminded my self not to get angry, well so I didn't.
But just few minutes ago, I was scolded for not turning of the light before going out for dinner. The curtain is open,and with bright light from the inside, people can see in from the outside.
The thing is that, I wasn't the one who left the room last( I left the room an hour before we left for dinner, i was at the second floor sleeping), the light was turned on by someone since my little brother's in there doing his writing , not only me who entered the room and the last thing, I'm the only one who was scolded by my dad.
I just nod to his scolding and get to my room. I didn't want to say those things since I gave up already, just get the scolding and the end.
I always check electronic equipment, doors and windows before leaving the house or going to bed. I got trauma from bad things happen in or to the house. I check things, doesn't mean I want to. I typed these , because I felt like being a treated as a housekeeper sometimes, than a child.
Soon, I'll forget this feeling. And soon the same feeling will come back again.
When can I relax?.. soon school start and if 'she' is to be in the same class with me, of course I won't be able to relax. I don't hate her of course, just... scare if my uncontrollable feelings comes out again.
I really do want to have someone to heart-to-heart talk with, since I really want to let out things now.
But no one wants to hear. that's the thing.
Reminds me one of the reason why I want to have a girlfriend. The person that i can tell my story to.The person that will listen to my story. But that's only if I got the good one.
Now I'm just... Full of story and sadness.
Feels... alone sometime. Alone, but noisy here..
.........
Talking about her now makes me think about the event I experienced this year. All the sadness only. Feel's like being hit by a tsunami of despair, oblivion, regret and agony. feels like crying sometimes when this happen. But if I were to let my tears out now, I feel like a weakling. Other people must have experience more sadness than me and didn't let a single tears out.
I must stay strong. What I experience is not enough to make man cry.
there's something else I wanna add... nevermind I'll edit this post when I remember.
Good Night
Sunday 15 December 2013
Thursday 12 December 2013
Silence is my Medicine
So far~Things are the same. My time to relax never last long.
When my bro, little bro and mom reach here, I do my best to look good in front of them. Well of course I do not want to welcome them while my appearance's like shit.
So when I met them,they didn't greet me at all, which I don't really care. Instead few minutes later, I got laughed at by my bro. Saying my hair's like some gangster. I don't mind people calling me one, but when one laugh while saying something, they mean only the bad side of it. I know my hair's like hell, but please don't rub it in.
Not so long in the car after leaving airport, little things i can't really remember happened and triggered me to be furious. Then my dad told them that my silent moment at home will disappear, since we usually shout at each other. The shouting I mentioned is not about argument or fight, just random shit actually. My brother and I start to argue about how I like the silence at home when nobody's there. Which in the end lead to my brother saying, 'If you have a wife and children, they will surely leave you at old folks home.'
I get very furious with that of course. But I didn't reply him anything, since I don't want to explode in front of everyone. So I just shut up and let him win the argument.
In future, if I have one, will they really leave me? I don't know future, that's why I also cannot continue the argument. That's not the first time though, he ever mentioned something that relates to if I have wife and children.
The reason my I follow the argument is that, I found out that silence is my medicine. I felt better in 5 days where silence is mostly what I experience.
Of course I don't want to experience silence forever, since it's my temporary medicine.I manage to make myself feel better in the 5 days of silence. Of course about the same suffer I had for these 2 years (almost 2 actually).
Hopefully things can get better and I continue my 'therapy'.
Not gonna let my holiday be like last year.
When my bro, little bro and mom reach here, I do my best to look good in front of them. Well of course I do not want to welcome them while my appearance's like shit.
So when I met them,they didn't greet me at all, which I don't really care. Instead few minutes later, I got laughed at by my bro. Saying my hair's like some gangster. I don't mind people calling me one, but when one laugh while saying something, they mean only the bad side of it. I know my hair's like hell, but please don't rub it in.
Not so long in the car after leaving airport, little things i can't really remember happened and triggered me to be furious. Then my dad told them that my silent moment at home will disappear, since we usually shout at each other. The shouting I mentioned is not about argument or fight, just random shit actually. My brother and I start to argue about how I like the silence at home when nobody's there. Which in the end lead to my brother saying, 'If you have a wife and children, they will surely leave you at old folks home.'
I get very furious with that of course. But I didn't reply him anything, since I don't want to explode in front of everyone. So I just shut up and let him win the argument.
In future, if I have one, will they really leave me? I don't know future, that's why I also cannot continue the argument. That's not the first time though, he ever mentioned something that relates to if I have wife and children.
The reason my I follow the argument is that, I found out that silence is my medicine. I felt better in 5 days where silence is mostly what I experience.
Of course I don't want to experience silence forever, since it's my temporary medicine.I manage to make myself feel better in the 5 days of silence. Of course about the same suffer I had for these 2 years (almost 2 actually).
Hopefully things can get better and I continue my 'therapy'.
Not gonna let my holiday be like last year.
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Rest
Now I'm back to my hometown. It's quiet here since my little brother and mom is still in Malaysia. I felt much better for a while now, cause no one disturb and orders me around. Yet it feels empty, since if I used to be yelled at, but now is quiet. No matter, since soon they are coming back here.
It's raining when I reach here in my hometown. At the same time, my phone was playing A-team by Ed Sheeran. It reminds me last year.
It was a raining day in Bali. Me,older brother, cousins, uncles and aunties were going up the mountain by car to see the scenery there. Can't remember what mountain was it though. While listening to this song, I stared outside the window, thinking about the answer I might get from someone I confessed to.The scenery I saw at that time was a grass field with trees covering the horizon. It is similar what I see one the way back home from airport. Pretty nostalgic, but of course it is not a pleasant. Cause after that, the feelings I have that time, came back again. No the feeling of liking that person, but the suffer I had that time.
When I reached home, I began to think again, that I was suffering here last year. Well of course I'm still suffering now, but not as bad as last year. I went to my bedroom. when I saw my bed, again I began to start thinking. 'I can't well on this bed last year, hopefully things won't be the same'. Of course I can't expect that to happen, since I still have my 'slightly same' problem with me.
After dinner, I went to the harbor. 'I used to like fishing', it suddenly popped out in my head. and of course it linked to the reason my I stop. Well of course, the reason is always the same. I faced to the east, liked what I did last year, looking at the direction where 'she' could be.I quickly looked to another direction, thinking that I was doing something stupid. 'You changed me a lot', that's the next thing that pops out in my mind.
3 days later, which is today. When I about to think about her again, my mind automatically rejects it. Seems like, I don't want to think about her now, this is holiday, I must enjoy myself. I think I'll just forget about her now. But we're still texting together now. I think I should stop now. Let myself be away from you.
I'll rest for a while from all of this event that have changed my way of thinking. Well of course I can't forget about her 100%. But it will be alright, I pretty get used to this hard sleep anyway. All I need is just a good bed. My bed here's better than the bed in Malaysia.I hope I can sleep better this time.
So I'll just let myself rest. For Now.
Good Night.
It's raining when I reach here in my hometown. At the same time, my phone was playing A-team by Ed Sheeran. It reminds me last year.
It was a raining day in Bali. Me,older brother, cousins, uncles and aunties were going up the mountain by car to see the scenery there. Can't remember what mountain was it though. While listening to this song, I stared outside the window, thinking about the answer I might get from someone I confessed to.The scenery I saw at that time was a grass field with trees covering the horizon. It is similar what I see one the way back home from airport. Pretty nostalgic, but of course it is not a pleasant. Cause after that, the feelings I have that time, came back again. No the feeling of liking that person, but the suffer I had that time.
When I reached home, I began to think again, that I was suffering here last year. Well of course I'm still suffering now, but not as bad as last year. I went to my bedroom. when I saw my bed, again I began to start thinking. 'I can't well on this bed last year, hopefully things won't be the same'. Of course I can't expect that to happen, since I still have my 'slightly same' problem with me.
After dinner, I went to the harbor. 'I used to like fishing', it suddenly popped out in my head. and of course it linked to the reason my I stop. Well of course, the reason is always the same. I faced to the east, liked what I did last year, looking at the direction where 'she' could be.I quickly looked to another direction, thinking that I was doing something stupid. 'You changed me a lot', that's the next thing that pops out in my mind.
3 days later, which is today. When I about to think about her again, my mind automatically rejects it. Seems like, I don't want to think about her now, this is holiday, I must enjoy myself. I think I'll just forget about her now. But we're still texting together now. I think I should stop now. Let myself be away from you.
I'll rest for a while from all of this event that have changed my way of thinking. Well of course I can't forget about her 100%. But it will be alright, I pretty get used to this hard sleep anyway. All I need is just a good bed. My bed here's better than the bed in Malaysia.I hope I can sleep better this time.
So I'll just let myself rest. For Now.
Good Night.
Saturday 7 December 2013
Aduh...
See, today is kind of.. retarded.I mean not much things happen today, it's just.... different. I won't list out the whole thing, just 2 main points.
Today, I got scolded by parent for being to good to friends. This doesn't happen once, but.... I don't know how many times already. Like before, I borrowed my junior geography book for year 7(means at that time I was in year 8). Okay, my mom found out about it and scolded me really bad. Well I was just being nice to her and borrowed her my book, and got scolded for being good. I don't know what's bad about it yet, if you know, please tell me the reason.(I can't remember what my mom said that time, I don't want to ask now, later scold me again).
The other one happened last few months when help my friend to buy a geography study guide in Singapore,well, got scolded again. Of course for being too good again.
That's the reason why I became ignorance for a while before. Until recently someone close to me told me that I starting to become ignorance. Well, I don't want my level of ignorance to be so high until someone told me that I really became an ignorance type of person.
Of course if someone tell me that, it means that I really became a person with pure ignorance.
So~ I decided to reduce my ignorance level.
And today, I helped my friend to get something and pay off in her behalf, (of course she's going to pay in future to me), got scolded again~
Damn, should I be ignorance or not, if yes, more lectures from parents, if not, friend run away.Well of course parents is more important than friends. They take care of us, the money we used is mostly from them, they provide us with shelter, food and others.
For friends? Everyone's leaving anyway, except for some since i have to see their faces next year. No more close friend I say? Since she's leaving to Swinburne.
I don't think I should say like that anymore. Now I'm on my different mode of thinking.
I didn't mention before but, now I try to be more optimistic. Previously I was the total opposite, but now no more. It feels, very different to be optimistic, the way I think before is really different from now. Being optimistic seems to be more... relax. Cause usually I always think due to something I did, something bad will always follow, more like punishment.
But now, I don't think about bad things happened today as bad lucks or punishment anymore.Now I take it as 'life', where no there's good, there's always evil. If I experienced evil, means I will experience good in future. I don't say when there's is bad, there must be good. Just follow fate.
Now that's about today.
WAITTTT....... I FORGOTTEN IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAYY!!!!
SHITTTTT!!! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I??????
FORGET THIS FORGET THATTTTTTTT.....
I THOUGHT YOU BIRTHDAY WAS 21 DECEMBERR!!
MY GOOODNESSSSS TO ALL FRIENDS I'M LIKE THISSSSS
ALL SO GOOD, SEND ME AT 00:00.. ME? JUST REMEMBER AT 22:00....
LATE FOR 22 HOURSSSSSSSSSS
DAMN LUCKY I ON FACEBOOK TODAY, IF NOT I WILL NOT BE SAYING 'HAPPY BDAY' TO YOU. IF I DON'T WHAT KIND OF CLOSE FRIEND AM I???????
ONCE AGAIN SORRY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAVE A BLAST!!
Today, I got scolded by parent for being to good to friends. This doesn't happen once, but.... I don't know how many times already. Like before, I borrowed my junior geography book for year 7(means at that time I was in year 8). Okay, my mom found out about it and scolded me really bad. Well I was just being nice to her and borrowed her my book, and got scolded for being good. I don't know what's bad about it yet, if you know, please tell me the reason.(I can't remember what my mom said that time, I don't want to ask now, later scold me again).
The other one happened last few months when help my friend to buy a geography study guide in Singapore,well, got scolded again. Of course for being too good again.
That's the reason why I became ignorance for a while before. Until recently someone close to me told me that I starting to become ignorance. Well, I don't want my level of ignorance to be so high until someone told me that I really became an ignorance type of person.
Of course if someone tell me that, it means that I really became a person with pure ignorance.
So~ I decided to reduce my ignorance level.
And today, I helped my friend to get something and pay off in her behalf, (of course she's going to pay in future to me), got scolded again~
Damn, should I be ignorance or not, if yes, more lectures from parents, if not, friend run away.Well of course parents is more important than friends. They take care of us, the money we used is mostly from them, they provide us with shelter, food and others.
For friends? Everyone's leaving anyway, except for some since i have to see their faces next year. No more close friend I say? Since she's leaving to Swinburne.
I don't think I should say like that anymore. Now I'm on my different mode of thinking.
I didn't mention before but, now I try to be more optimistic. Previously I was the total opposite, but now no more. It feels, very different to be optimistic, the way I think before is really different from now. Being optimistic seems to be more... relax. Cause usually I always think due to something I did, something bad will always follow, more like punishment.
But now, I don't think about bad things happened today as bad lucks or punishment anymore.Now I take it as 'life', where no there's good, there's always evil. If I experienced evil, means I will experience good in future. I don't say when there's is bad, there must be good. Just follow fate.
Now that's about today.
WAITTTT....... I FORGOTTEN IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAYY!!!!
SHITTTTT!!! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I??????
FORGET THIS FORGET THATTTTTTTT.....
I THOUGHT YOU BIRTHDAY WAS 21 DECEMBERR!!
MY GOOODNESSSSS TO ALL FRIENDS I'M LIKE THISSSSS
ALL SO GOOD, SEND ME AT 00:00.. ME? JUST REMEMBER AT 22:00....
LATE FOR 22 HOURSSSSSSSSSS
DAMN LUCKY I ON FACEBOOK TODAY, IF NOT I WILL NOT BE SAYING 'HAPPY BDAY' TO YOU. IF I DON'T WHAT KIND OF CLOSE FRIEND AM I???????
ONCE AGAIN SORRY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAVE A BLAST!!
Monday 2 December 2013
Weird
Okay, I had been poisoning myself so that i can get rid of you in my mind. See, when ever I laugh, whenever I start to be happy, my brain will always switch to you. Of course I'am happy that I can see you in my head. But to think about it, why would I be happy? I bet you are disgusted now~Cause I think about you~Well I think you're disgusted because you read my entire blog~Well keep it up!~~ My blog's gonna end soon since we're not gonna be in the same school next year~
The song clearly mention that both of them are lucky to be in love with each other since they are best friends.
Of course I have to get rid of it . Thinking about you should be a poison to me now. What's the good thing about it? I can't get you by thinking about you. So therefore I always put this saying whenever I start to think about you, 'You are currently thinking about someone you can't get'.
Of course it's painful to do so, but rather than doing something stupid. Takes time of course, i remembered some nights, i can't sleep well due to that saying.
But that's a few weeks ago. Now when I stop, I rarely think about you. Kindda.. nice~~ But of course sometime. But sadly, my feeling's still same, even with me thinking less about you.
I know the reason,well, i realized about it few hours ago.
It's because I want to prove to my self and YOU that I'm right. Prove to you that i'm different from any people you ever be with or like (previous post). I also cause I always think that i have the chance to be with you for very long time, longer than others can do (i don't really know can or no LOL ,just being a little optimistic?).
You won't be in the same class with me next year what. So why would I still be thinking about this?
Well that time I asked you about my characteristic, you said you don't hate it. My appearance, you said you don't really care about appearance.
If you answered bad in one of them or both, me no moar lyke you liao (after reading this, you are not to say anything bad about my appearance and characteristic :B)~cause I know I won't have the chance . Well I always think about myself not having chance in the first place, but it won't work unless you confirm with me about it.( you just said that I'm your best friend as rejection, well too bad it's invalid in my head)
Still, WHAT KIND OF REASON IS THAT?
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
The song clearly mention that both of them are lucky to be in love with each other since they are best friends.
But me? Damn! unlucky like what?.. have to go through shits~
Used to like that song, now FUCK!
I don't blame you, it's just my life is so different from any others. Lucky for them , unlucky for me. Of course there's other factor but Im not gonna post it here.
I'm not gonna write more shits here, cause I don't want to to feel bad( I don't know if you do).
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