Silence did really ran away from my house, but the healing from those 5 days of silence is still in effect. But again,a new problem came in to the house that tries to ruin my holiday.
These days, I have been asked to do works. Well I don't mind that of course since the works are small, like carrying shipping items from car into the house and open the house gate.
The thing that makes me not relax is that, I'm the only one of of the 3 brothers, that always got asked to do things and my brothers will just either help or not. Basically I'm the only one that is being called to do things while others can sit back and relax.
That problem doesn't actually affect me much, since out of the 3 brothers,I know I'm the worst.
The main problem now is that, BLAMES are always put to me. What ever it is, I'll be the first to get blame. Doesn't happen once or twice, but all the time. I always get the scolding.
I got scolded yesterday for being the person who broke my little brother's toy gun, but in the end it was actually my brother who bought the item that's already broken. Problem solved of course, but still, the first person to get blamed is me, when I tried to help my little brother refill water into the toy.
Today I got blamed for small thing that I didn't do in the morning. At that time I reminded my self not to get angry, well so I didn't.
But just few minutes ago, I was scolded for not turning of the light before going out for dinner. The curtain is open,and with bright light from the inside, people can see in from the outside.
The thing is that, I wasn't the one who left the room last( I left the room an hour before we left for dinner, i was at the second floor sleeping), the light was turned on by someone since my little brother's in there doing his writing , not only me who entered the room and the last thing, I'm the only one who was scolded by my dad.
I just nod to his scolding and get to my room. I didn't want to say those things since I gave up already, just get the scolding and the end.
I always check electronic equipment, doors and windows before leaving the house or going to bed. I got trauma from bad things happen in or to the house. I check things, doesn't mean I want to. I typed these , because I felt like being a treated as a housekeeper sometimes, than a child.
Soon, I'll forget this feeling. And soon the same feeling will come back again.
When can I relax?.. soon school start and if 'she' is to be in the same class with me, of course I won't be able to relax. I don't hate her of course, just... scare if my uncontrollable feelings comes out again.
I really do want to have someone to heart-to-heart talk with, since I really want to let out things now.
But no one wants to hear. that's the thing.
Reminds me one of the reason why I want to have a girlfriend. The person that i can tell my story to.The person that will listen to my story. But that's only if I got the good one.
Now I'm just... Full of story and sadness.
Feels... alone sometime. Alone, but noisy here..
.........
Talking about her now makes me think about the event I experienced this year. All the sadness only. Feel's like being hit by a tsunami of despair, oblivion, regret and agony. feels like crying sometimes when this happen. But if I were to let my tears out now, I feel like a weakling. Other people must have experience more sadness than me and didn't let a single tears out.
I must stay strong. What I experience is not enough to make man cry.
there's something else I wanna add... nevermind I'll edit this post when I remember.
Good Night