..
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It's not long until it. And yes, not yet ready to lost someone who's close to me for years.
Someday I think positively about it, and someday I think negatively about it. Like today. I somehow feel like Rejection will take place, and I can't do anything except from stay away from her. As I have mentioned many times that if I were to go back and friend with her again after rejection, the same story will repeat again.
The worst scenario that I would accept is that, I break up due to... 'Reasonable' reason like studies or etc. Then I may have things back to normal. Even though it's the worst I can take, it's not as bad as rejection.
Having rejection means near 0% of going back as friend where as accept means there will be chance of going back again as friend, have things back to normal.
Can't study well due to this. Of course I have experience this for like a year or 2, and this is my study year. I can't have anything that slows down my studies. Especially bio, I can't seem to concentrate at all this year. And it's ridiculously dangerous since there's alot to study for bio.
.........
I've been thinking negative for most of the time that.... I kind of seem to forget the real meaning of Confessing Feeling towards someone. After last year around middle time, I kept on thinking that I have to confess my feelings TO GET REJECTION so that I CAN FORGET THAT PERSON.
No more.
I confess, because I want her to be mine. I shall no longer give up on this. I shall see how things are, but if things turn out bad, of course I have to follow the same scenario that I've planned.
......But I still don't know what to say if she's already with someone else though.
Everytime before going to sleep, my crappy head always tells me 'You're not gonna receive her smile anymore', 'She'll no longer walk beside you and chit chat like friends anymore' and other craps that can be true. I know that she have a lot of friends beside me, so I'm pretty sure that she'll be okay if she lost one of friend from her list. Like the incident before, lost 1 gain.... 5-10?
Cannot stand already arh. But...
I really do hope that I can have her as friend again someday, if something bad happens.
Losing her means losing my close friend. Losing her means part of my childhood memory will turn dark.
I really don't want to let go of her, but I'm currently in a bad situation. There's no other way...