you are now crying infront of me.
others pat you and said it's alright.
and im here sitting behind you without knowing what to do.
is there anything I can do?
is there anything am I suppose to do?
or I am just better off doing nothing rather than just making things worst?
or should I do something that makes me better when I am down?
well I prefer being left alone...
others?... am I different from others in this matter?
I dunnoe man. don't know what to do.
I feel stupid just sitting down like this doing nothing, while you thinking me playing ff6 while actually im writing this post.
im not a good friend in the first place.
I can't get to close though...
almost all the time I have been treating you too much.. like treating my own girl, when you are not.

what will you do? if you are in my situation.

☯ Follow This Person (Better not) ☯

4-5 more encounters?

soon I'll not see you for a very long time.

it'll be good for me as I can forget you.

but will that be unfair to you then?

who cares, my life, my decision.

i don't know...

i hope this coming holiday will not be bad like the previous year....

where i can't sleep fast any longer and get sickness from it.

don't know how's my liver now...hopefully gets better.

you have a boyfriend~....

the last time i had a girl friend was 3 years ago.

hermm...

just starts to wonder..

won't it be better if we get together and broke up like what happened to you and the a level guy?..

i won't be liking you anymore and all of my sickness may heal too..

i remembered i said before that if we get together, i'll still be your friend even though we break up...and you don't even want to think about it.

im your close friend that's your reason, but do you know that you are holding my feeling inside? the reason of your rejection was invalid in my head, that's why i still like you till now.

SO this is what can be done, another rejection means the friendship between us will be erased.

it's not like i want to put you into a very hard dilemma but, i really have to stop liking you already. im sick of this, tired.....

i can't think any other way... i know that you won't accept me as yours, i know and i acknowledge it deep into myself. i don't need to be told, as i knew that i'll  never be able to make you like me and you'll never like me. even though it makes me feel down sometimes, it's good that i can acknowledge the reality.

 if you were to reject and let me go just like that... doesn't mean that friendship does not even exist between us in the first place? since you are letting me go just like that?

i believe i won't be your friend anymore if that were to happen, no longer close friend. since i have to avoid getting to close with you and start liking you again, and the story repeats itself again.

you said that you don't want to lost me as your close friend... but if you reject me, that means that you just... lost me....just like that...

you said nicely infront of me that you don't want to lost me as you close friend, but in the end.... just like letting an bird away...fly... and will never come back..

ofcourse i would prefer to get together with you ,break up and have to that happen rather than you just release me out of your friend list like that

the reason why i mention about i won't be your friend anymore is.. because  that ever happens to me before.

i was a close friend of this girl (i liked her that time also). one day she knew i liked her and... she just starts to ignore me(i think she feels awkward) .. from there i ignored her too, thinking when the situation gets better, i'll be back as a close friend of hers, back to normal.

but sadly no. both of us get used to ignore each other and even though every thing is back to normal, we still ignore each other.

that should apply if me and you were to start avoid each other.

THE only thing about this is. should i make another confession?

it's the only way out right? out of this misery of liking you for 2 years?

but there's no perfect time now...

and i kindda... lazy to confess my feelings now.

and next year i'll....

you know everything already.

4-5 times we meet and  i'll not be seeing you for long time.

well, i just gotta ignore about your boyfriend and smile at you as much as i can.

Sorry for my selfishness. I'm not a good friend of yours.... really sorry about that.

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currently im sitting bside you hearing you ask your best friend about 'truthfully asking' something.

without any evidence i could tell you likes someone alredy.there is one... i heard you said 'i saw him you know...' i know it can be so many things but.... im the type of person who takes the worst, to prepare for the future depression.

i see you seem to be different from any other day. perhaps you already have a guy with you huh? that's what makes you happy.

well.

what's my emotion now?

i wanna study now, not thinking  about something else....

wind is currently blowing towards me now. does that mean that, whatever i think and write now is true?

.......don't......

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not related post

been a while i haven't think about this but, it just came in.

in the whole family tree, i mean the big one, includes my uncles, grandma, and so on~ im the only one that is... so called different.

others (cousins) seems to be more... mannered? or...

don't know the word....

just say that they don't do the stuff or things I do, even my older brother.

my parent ever told me that my aunties always avoid their son or daughters (my cousins and nephews and others) not to be close with me.

feels like.... you'll understand if you apply this concept into yourself and imagine it.

well, i must admit that i never do good things, up till now.

the event occurred this year already changed my characteristic into worst.

im don't have the face to go back and see them now.

ofcourse i'll prove them that im someone that doesn't have to be avoid.

but.... that takes a long time..

none of my cousins i know drinks alcohol.

well im not a heavy drinker (once every few months) but still, everyone has halo on them, but not me.

depress as i am, i still have larger thing to solve. of course im still refering to the same event.but i don't know what to do anymore.

No matter how bad they look at me, no matter no one, even my friends look up at me. There's still a reason why out of close to infinite lifes born in this observable universe and further, and not to mention time of birth, im living now.

☯ Follow This Person (Better not) ☯

~.~

I'll just start off with the person I hate.Let's call her....bitch. Simple.
Now now. Im not really the type of person that hates people. But this one ass son of a gun...perhaps, daughter, really is the exception.

Y'all must be wondering why do I hate this person.

I'll tell y'all the story.

I met this person back then.... when i was quite young. She wasn't so bad for 2 years. She's definitely not like now of course.

Until a day, she asked me who I like. I told her who and told her to keep it as a secret (I was so stupid that time). She wrote it down in a notebook (the person I like). And guess what?

Less than a week, everyone knows.

Few weeks later, I forgive and forget her. I don't want to keep things inside for too long.

Year later, I liked another person. And whenever I want to talk with her, this bitch came in and interrupt (usually by taking her away to somewhere else). Well of course I don't wanna follow, I don't want to know their business.

And that happens almost all the time. So basically small wrath becomes big.

Seems like my forgive and forget does not work on her anymore, it's just.... too much.

A year past or two, I liked another person (I don't know how to choose girls that time, so dumb).

Well this time, the dog rarely interrupts us, but still, rarely means few times can happen.

The day when I realize that I have been choosing girls blindly, I liked this girl. (The girl that I have been talking about in this blog).

As I remember I liked her because I have been friend with her for...4 years.

And of course, she is not so close with this dog.

And so..... yea, the story is mostly in this blog, go ahead and read it.

The next year, which is this year, I have been doing fine without this animal interrupts me.

I remembered that my class held a 'Business Trip' which is ' Leadership Training'.

Sadly the girl I like did not follow since her father didn't allow her to.

The grouping is not up to me to choose, and I was in the same group as the dog.

Well, since I'm in the group, why don't I try to be good with her again?

Yes I did it, my hate-redness towards her gone. So basically, I have no one that I hate.

I expect this to be until the end of the year but NOOOOOOO.

Now she's close with the person I like , and changed her life.

She used to be the person that does not go home late at night. But now, in a week, she can go out and party until 11 for like, 4-5 times?

As I remember, her parents are strict in this, seems like she tell lies all times now.

And guess what next, now she went to places like Pool and others (don't know if she goes to pubs).

It's not wrong to go but, as we know, most people there are 'not so good'. (well sometimes I go)

Now she's just.... became into some pai kia (gangsters).

Guess what next?

She wears almost the same as that ass.

It's just like... No longer the same.

I hope things don't get worst and I hope that I won't regret having her as the person that I like.

This remembers me the twice times she makes me regret having her as a friend.

And currently I'm waiting for her text reply.

Well, beside she steal her away from me now whenever I want to talk to her, once happened, just few days ago, I asked wanted to go out with her, but before I said anything, she told me she's going out with that beast. That beast really is one asshole-less beast ever. I wanted to make my day better, the beast always have to destroy it. Why does the beast changes her life???? Beast it's always a beast, making other a beast.
But I'll either stop her from turning into like a beast or just unfriend her.

In the name of justice I'll follow first choice.

Imagine there's no existence of her, perhaps my life will be.... can't imagine, it's too... beautiful.

Perhaps... she was sent from hell... god wants my life to be balance, where the is good, there is evil.

I hope that she can change back to 'normal' again and for that wretched animal? Hahaha hopefully,i can stop hating her.
 

☯ Follow This Person (Better not) ☯

Sound of Silence

When you're bored, anywhere you are, you will still feel 'the silence'.

Of course that indicates that I'm bored.

Empty...
Alone...
I'm not the one that can life alone.

But today is exceptionally bored.

The silence is to...

'Intense'...

Empty....empty...empty....

Kosong...kosong..kosong..

Koq...rasanya kosong?
Seperti pantat bolong?
Ndk pernah saya rasain,
Kekosogan sperti ini.

dafaq.

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Writing on shirt day and 'that' friendship

Today my class starts doing..... so called 'vandalize on shirt' day.
I hate it.
It feels like people use their sharp things and start mollesting it on my body
It tasted like used condoms.(that's what Gyldick says)
Until now, I don't see the point why people write write things on friends shirt before leaving.
I mean like....
In the end,
We'll keep it inside a closet and..... that's all....
They will only see it when they accidentally found it.
Does writing on shirt means they will always remember each other?
Don't bluff meh.
I can tell that no one will contact me unless I contact them first.
There's no use of this thing.
As long as friends promise and believe in each other that they will be their friends no matter they go,
this is not needed.

Even Nathaniel says I got the point.

People may say I have no life.

But the thing is.

It's my life.
You people like to do 'that' but I like to do 'this'.
Why you want everyone to be like you?
Everyone is born with the power called 'Choice'.
It's up to us what to do in life, as long it doesn't destroy other people's life.

Now get to friendship.
Friendship is similar a ship.
One day something will happen and it'll either sink or be destroyed.

But there's one different thing.

Friend'ship' can be repaired, as long as the both partners agree to a condition.

Well....

There's nothing much to say since I'm bored currently and lazy to study.

Owrh...
Last thing.
Perhaps you know already.

No matter how close your friendship is, whenever (your close friend) he/she confess his/her feeling towards you, never ever mention that since he/she is your close friend and you afraid that he/she may be no longer your close friend if you were to break up with him/her in the future as a rejection.

Why?

You are just making(your friend) him/her regret having you as his/her close friend and holding up his/her feeling towards you. Which is the same things as making him/her suffer. 

How does it relate to suffer?

He or she may still want to be your close friend. But he/she knows that no matter how lose he/she is with you, they won't be able to win you. Instead, he/she is just being with someone the know the can't have.

☯ Follow This Person (Better not) ☯