Answer is:

You don't know.
okay... is this thing going to drag for long?
arh......
you'll still get in anyway.

ARHHHHH

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Means..

Forgot to put this one in in the previous post.(lazy press edit button)

Kay, so what this I forgot to type just now.

Means my story about this will end, the story about me liking you. I'll have nothing else to blog here anymore. Since we will only meet once every... few weeks? or months?

You' also will have better friends there, which I can be remove from your friend list.

My type of person is... bad. I tend to forget my old friends, even though our friendship is very strong. I tend to weaken it until the day the bond breaks. That's one of my dark side.

So therefore, I may forget you.

But, forgetting you is the thing that I suppose to do right? In order for me to have myself back like in the old days where I don't suffer much?

I don't want.... I don't want to forget you like this.Even when it come naturally where I forget about you without my conscious. I still don't want that to happen.

So, this is a judgement day, the day when it is decided if this blog is going to stop. Miracle... now's the time, I have to see the truth now. Pray to god that miracle... does happen.

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I am (not) Ready

Yesterday night i posted about my impossible wish that i want you to stay at A Level in lodge, but that's what other people told me. i'm the type of person that does not really.. believe in what other people say until I hear it for myself. I do believe what he says but, I prefer to hear it myself so that I can confirm to myself that it's true. Well even though I believe already but, still want to hear it from you myself.

I asked you last night, and now I think you should reply already. I'am I ready to face the truth myself? Even though I know about the truth?

I'm not ready.... I don't feel like want to on my phone's mobile data and face the truth.

Should I hide? But I will feel uncomfortable.

Should I just go? But I don't want to feel sad again like last night( can't sleep until around 2 30- 3 00).

I can't hide.... Since I have no where else to hide. It looks like love has already found me. 

I'll have to go then..

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-

I heard you are going to continue studying at Swinburne...

Well, I can't follow you there since I have to take A level.

I... can't do what I think I should do anymore. I...

You'll be accepted, definitely. 

That's why i said 100%.

You can't be possibly get rejected right?

That's why I hope miracle can change it.

Now why do I want to be so close with you so much.

It's so that I can do what I should do, in order for me to forget you.

Seems like god protected you. And I...will continue to have the same feelings.

Seems like god doesn't want me to think that way. 

I have 2 minds about you. What's stated above is my dark side

Why is it dark?
Cause i always want to forget/get rid of you, when you didn't do anything wrong.

Feels kind of bad.

But in the end i think you are going to be ended up with someone and... ofcourse I can't get near you already if that were to happen. And that forces me to avoid you? and form there i get will use to avoid you and will cause us to be like normal friends? No longer best friend? I don't know la... It's just there is so much thing can happen. 'Bad things' can happen.

Back to topic.

My other mind is that, I think I can do better than the rest of people that you ever together or liked before.

Now let's look into the past.

1) I think your first boyfriend here was... the guy who is with Morgane currently? But in the end you broke up with him since you don't like his style or behavior?

-I'm like totally opposite of him , what he likes is what i dislike. So therefore there's a chance?

2) Can't really remember who.. but was it the guy from your hometown or somewhere else in Indonesia?

You broke up with him cause you guys never get to visit each other, chat only using phone and definitely due to long distance relationship.

-Even  though we are in the same city, this one I can't help if you are not doing A level with me, but this is what I thought about last year when we are still in the same class together.

2.5) I forgot about this one, that's why it is .5, i finish typing everything and just remembered this one. You liked someone in my older brother's class. I remember you asked me to ask my older brother for his number. I got it for you, you confess, and you know next.

-I can't really say anything for this one. Just tell you that, it'll be awkward if he gets together with you. He don't really know you much. How do I know? You know la. This one i also can't help since you are at Swinburne next year, 

3) With my 'Boss'? Broke up with him cause your elder brother found out that you date with what he refers 'Sampah Negara' (I don't think he is one), since he always cause trouble in school.

-I don't do what he does. but i don't think your family will have problem with me?(that I cannot say actually, cause i don't know a thing about your family) it's just that I'm not like him, so there should be any problem.

4)This one you didn't get together, but you liked him so much that I literally can get jealous in present time and you said because of him you didn't want to be in relationship anymore. Who else if is not your G? You were rejected by him.. which causes the problem.

-I'm here. I like you as much as you liked him. Yet you don't wanna give it a try. Since I also want to know if I can make you like me as much as you like him. I would say, he have/likes someone at that time and he rejects you cause what he did was just making you like him without he knowing it. Damn... Jealous of that guy. Getting something that can never happen to me.

5)This A level guy. hot damn... Still angry about it, but it can't be help. Broke up with him because you said that.... don't get to see each other much and that makes it feels like you're just... friend with him? So basically you lost you feeling towards him. 

-i see a lot here that can me you lost your feelings. Of course it's very obvious. First off, he is in other class, you don't get to see him all time, that makes you feel... not in touch ( i don't really know if this is true)? The feelings when you go out with him. Damn awkward of course. What happen if someone sees you guys together? Big story of course. That makes you cannot go out with him, even if you go out, you might feel scared if someone sees you guys together ( i don't think you allow that to happen). Ermmm... Cannot hang out in school for too long I say, since it can make other people think that you guys are together. or afraid if someone starts gossiping about you guys. others? you know yourself la.

-Now me, we were in the same class together. We hang out most of the time, we went out together (not so much cause you know why) we sit together and talk a lot in some classes. That is already making us very close, means if we were to be together, the news about us getting together is not big. it's like... people see us together like all the time, they used to it, some even thought or say that we are together (I fucking hate this one, even though they are just playing). if we were to get together, so things will be the same, no changes, only feeling and relationship of ours changes. 

-So basically, i'am different from any of the people you liked and ever get together with before.

-But i will never get the chance anymore since we are not going to be in same school anymore.

Now back to the main topic.

So.

What have I done wrong that I get these things to happen?

This is too much that, it seems like.... it's done in purpose.

God seems to like.... purposely put me in to this situation.

All I have experienced this year is too... much I would say?

Why?..  

I think I did break a promise i made..

Yes I did...

I did broke my promise...

Dear almighty god. 

Forgive me for what i have done. Forgive me if I did something bad.

I know that I'm a person that have sinned a lot. Forgive me for what I have done.

I promise I'll never do such things again.Give me a last chance.

I never will ever brake my promise again. But please stop me when I'am going to.

Help me to control myself at the time I can't. Teach me to stop doing those sinned action.

So, I hereby pray that I can have a last chance and promise not to break my promise I made today.

Amen. 

I never know that i made it this far. I can't just give up. But i think i should, after hearing you going to Swinburne to study. Hopefully, miracle can happen. Of course i'm not going to do what i think i should do before, that's a promise if you stay back A level with me.

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See you next year

i don't know how to start off. if you remember, today you are going back to your hometown.
well..don't know what to say now.i mean, i don't really know my current feeling.
it's like, i thought i'd be better if i don't get to see you, but..its just the beginning, yet im already like this.

im kind of sad that you are leaving. yet...after i realize something, which just happened awhile ago..

am i... really your close friend? ARE you also my close friend?

we might not be able to see eyes to eyes anymore for long time.yet... i remember back then, when it is...don't remember what holiday was it, but it last for 2 weeks.

hey, you replied my line~ forget it, i probably won't reply until you reach your hometown anyway.

kay back to topic.

before you left, i remember you hugged me and say goodbye, even though it's only 2 weeks.yet now?
it's like, i won't even be here anymore, i may stay in singapore immediately.

so... i don't know. im just about to remove you away from my friend list. but will that work for me?
bullshit. i always wanted to do this, but.... in the end i didn't. cause im afraid. AFRAID IF I LOSE SOMEONE THAT IS CLOSE TO ME FOR LONG TIME.

im not a good friend in the first place. you sent me picture of a group of people sending you off at the airport. in truth im jealous as hell. and also im not there, which makes me feel like, im not you friend at all. i..i...i....i
never have friends that do care about me do i?

the surprise birthday party can't be the reason people care about me. the one who set up was one (the only one who gives shit about me). others came because the were invited. why i say so?

because if someone were to invite me to a (friend who i don't care about)'s  birthday party, i will still go anyway. it's just because i got invited, so why don't i just go? so basically, this my surprise party is not the proof of people care about me, this only proofs that one or two people gives shit about me.

i hear airplane' engine, 2 engines plane type of noise, flying towards the west. well, it could be you.

back to topic. wait, the party was for 2 person, me and my friend. so... basically this party cannot be the proof of friendship at all. perhaps it's only for my other friend, they put me in because they don't want me to think bad about them (don't give shit anyway if they don't celebrate mine).

so... the party, is not a reliable example of friendship.

i remember you said that you are lonely after your close friend left you, now you are not.

it's so easy to be you. you can but things that i can't buy, you can have MORE friends after losing one.
so if you lost me, means you can have more friends then.

i really... envy you now. you... cannot say that you are lonely anymore. you always have someone to be there for you, you always have. you....

i don't think i should be your friend. i never do good things that can make you cheer up when you are down.like few days ago when you money got stolen. i sat behind you without knowing what to do while you were crying there. im the worst friend of yours, something i can't deny. you have your 'GANG' that can make you smile and company you anytime. it's bad for me having only one best friend, since whenever you are with them, i always be the pebble in the pond... won't get noticed at all. but 'best' friend means 'best' already, and in life, there is only ONE BEST, therefore i can't have 2 best friends.

Today, just the morning, im felt pretty bad already, by:

-thinking that im not your close friend.(not the first time)
-jealous due to your friend, after lost 1, gain 10.means never get lonely.
-thinking that no one would care about me( actually this already happened for long time).
-you went back hometown.
-you have more reliable friends.
-other 2 minor thing that makes me sensitive.

HALLO IT'S ONLY 10 IN THE MORNING YET IM ALREADY LIKE THIS?

later i have to go out... it's novie's birthday remember?

SHITTITITITITITTTTTT I FORGOT TO SAY HAPPY BDAY LAST NIGHTT AT 12!!!!! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I?????FUCKKKK SHITTTTTT IM SO.... this is one proof that i'm a the worst friend you have, since i might forget to say to you later at your birthday.

i just hope that later i don't have bad times, cause early in the morning is already bad.

.....
what else...
i think that's all.

wait... last thing that makes me sad. but happens for almost 2 years already...

-I still like you until now. even with all the worst and change, you have given me.

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if don't hold it? explode la

......

im currently trying my best to cool myself down.

if not.. i can explode anytime.

it's not like the first or second time.

but why, when ever i want to go out with you, just normal out, like i always do with others, THERE'S ALWAYS FUCKING PROBLEMS?

ALWAYS? FUCK? DAFAQ? CHAO CIBAI WHY ALWAYS HOR???

AM I REALLY GOT CURSED THAT I CAN'T GO OUT WITH YOU?

WHY IS IT SO EASY TO GO OUT WHOLE DAY WITH OTHERS, BUT NOT YOU?

CHAO LANJIAO CANNOT STAND THIS ALREADY.

don't get me wrong. im not angry with you... 

it's just that. WHY ONLY YOU?

DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG THAT MAKES MY LIFE SO HARD?

FUCK LA THIS YEAR. BRING SO MUCH SHIT ABOUT MY FRIENDSHIP WHICH IN THE END CAUSES ME HAVING A BAD NAME IN THE FAMILY.

if this is truly god's punishment, why? god, why? what did i do wrong? can i please know? so that i can learn from it? that it is wrong? 

so much... too much... this year...i.... i....

seems like... my emotion trough out this year is about to come out again...

i want to have someone care about me...

i want to have someone love me...

i want to change...

i want to be more mature and have open mind...

i want to know what is it like being loved by someone else not from my family...

i want to get closer with you...

i want...

that's why i want a girlfriend.

but seems like what i have gotten is totally different...

i learn that, loving a best friend is bullshit, yet i still don't know why people says that 'they are lucky to be in love with their best friend'.

i learn that, i have gotten my liver having decomposed twice faster than the rate of normal people, because of thinking too much until cannot sleep.

i learn that, i became much the nigger sheep of the family.

i learn that, my best friend is not who i think she is.

l learn that, i have gotten much worst and gain more shit in my head.

i just really want you to know all about my suffering.

but who am i?

im not like someone that can simply order others to do things.

even if you know my story, i guarantee, you won't give a shit about me. which i already acknowledge that for long.

2013 maybe shit... hopefully next year, 2014, everything will be much better.

but i'm glad that, this year, my results in school is better than last year. could say the best i have gotten so far in my life.

WAIT!!!

don't tell me i have gotten so much sadness, so that my result will be better?

don't tell me that all my happiness throughout the year had been switched to the sadness i will get after getting my exam result? therefore i have been suffering through out the year, but my result is getting better?

i think... normal life is better than having things to be switch...

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you are now crying infront of me.
others pat you and said it's alright.
and im here sitting behind you without knowing what to do.
is there anything I can do?
is there anything am I suppose to do?
or I am just better off doing nothing rather than just making things worst?
or should I do something that makes me better when I am down?
well I prefer being left alone...
others?... am I different from others in this matter?
I dunnoe man. don't know what to do.
I feel stupid just sitting down like this doing nothing, while you thinking me playing ff6 while actually im writing this post.
im not a good friend in the first place.
I can't get to close though...
almost all the time I have been treating you too much.. like treating my own girl, when you are not.

what will you do? if you are in my situation.

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4-5 more encounters?

soon I'll not see you for a very long time.

it'll be good for me as I can forget you.

but will that be unfair to you then?

who cares, my life, my decision.

i don't know...

i hope this coming holiday will not be bad like the previous year....

where i can't sleep fast any longer and get sickness from it.

don't know how's my liver now...hopefully gets better.

you have a boyfriend~....

the last time i had a girl friend was 3 years ago.

hermm...

just starts to wonder..

won't it be better if we get together and broke up like what happened to you and the a level guy?..

i won't be liking you anymore and all of my sickness may heal too..

i remembered i said before that if we get together, i'll still be your friend even though we break up...and you don't even want to think about it.

im your close friend that's your reason, but do you know that you are holding my feeling inside? the reason of your rejection was invalid in my head, that's why i still like you till now.

SO this is what can be done, another rejection means the friendship between us will be erased.

it's not like i want to put you into a very hard dilemma but, i really have to stop liking you already. im sick of this, tired.....

i can't think any other way... i know that you won't accept me as yours, i know and i acknowledge it deep into myself. i don't need to be told, as i knew that i'll  never be able to make you like me and you'll never like me. even though it makes me feel down sometimes, it's good that i can acknowledge the reality.

 if you were to reject and let me go just like that... doesn't mean that friendship does not even exist between us in the first place? since you are letting me go just like that?

i believe i won't be your friend anymore if that were to happen, no longer close friend. since i have to avoid getting to close with you and start liking you again, and the story repeats itself again.

you said that you don't want to lost me as your close friend... but if you reject me, that means that you just... lost me....just like that...

you said nicely infront of me that you don't want to lost me as you close friend, but in the end.... just like letting an bird away...fly... and will never come back..

ofcourse i would prefer to get together with you ,break up and have to that happen rather than you just release me out of your friend list like that

the reason why i mention about i won't be your friend anymore is.. because  that ever happens to me before.

i was a close friend of this girl (i liked her that time also). one day she knew i liked her and... she just starts to ignore me(i think she feels awkward) .. from there i ignored her too, thinking when the situation gets better, i'll be back as a close friend of hers, back to normal.

but sadly no. both of us get used to ignore each other and even though every thing is back to normal, we still ignore each other.

that should apply if me and you were to start avoid each other.

THE only thing about this is. should i make another confession?

it's the only way out right? out of this misery of liking you for 2 years?

but there's no perfect time now...

and i kindda... lazy to confess my feelings now.

and next year i'll....

you know everything already.

4-5 times we meet and  i'll not be seeing you for long time.

well, i just gotta ignore about your boyfriend and smile at you as much as i can.

Sorry for my selfishness. I'm not a good friend of yours.... really sorry about that.

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currently im sitting bside you hearing you ask your best friend about 'truthfully asking' something.

without any evidence i could tell you likes someone alredy.there is one... i heard you said 'i saw him you know...' i know it can be so many things but.... im the type of person who takes the worst, to prepare for the future depression.

i see you seem to be different from any other day. perhaps you already have a guy with you huh? that's what makes you happy.

well.

what's my emotion now?

i wanna study now, not thinking  about something else....

wind is currently blowing towards me now. does that mean that, whatever i think and write now is true?

.......don't......

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not related post

been a while i haven't think about this but, it just came in.

in the whole family tree, i mean the big one, includes my uncles, grandma, and so on~ im the only one that is... so called different.

others (cousins) seems to be more... mannered? or...

don't know the word....

just say that they don't do the stuff or things I do, even my older brother.

my parent ever told me that my aunties always avoid their son or daughters (my cousins and nephews and others) not to be close with me.

feels like.... you'll understand if you apply this concept into yourself and imagine it.

well, i must admit that i never do good things, up till now.

the event occurred this year already changed my characteristic into worst.

im don't have the face to go back and see them now.

ofcourse i'll prove them that im someone that doesn't have to be avoid.

but.... that takes a long time..

none of my cousins i know drinks alcohol.

well im not a heavy drinker (once every few months) but still, everyone has halo on them, but not me.

depress as i am, i still have larger thing to solve. of course im still refering to the same event.but i don't know what to do anymore.

No matter how bad they look at me, no matter no one, even my friends look up at me. There's still a reason why out of close to infinite lifes born in this observable universe and further, and not to mention time of birth, im living now.

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